Bible Trivia: I've Got Blisters on Me Fingers!

PART 1:

In Genesis 38:6-8, when Er was wicked in the sight of the Lord he was put to death.  Judah then told Er's brother Onan to:

A:  be careful for the Lord is righteous

B:  to bury his brothers body outside Jerusalem

C:  to sleep with Er's wife

D:  to take Er's wife in as a servant

Have I mentioned the BrickBible?

ANSWER:  C

⁶ Judah got a wife for Er, his firstborn, and her name was Tamar. ⁷ But Er, Judah’s firstborn, was wicked in the Lord’s sight; so the Lord put him to death.
⁸ Then Judah said to Onan, “Sleep with your brother’s wife and fulfill your duty to her as a brother-in-law to raise up offspring for your brother.”

Oh Bible, you so crazy...

PART 2:

In Genesis 38:6-10, when Judah told Er's brother Onan to sleep with Er's wife, Onan knew the child would never be his, so he:

A:  declined sex

B:  pulled

C:  went for it

D:  tested her virginity

Speechless...

ANSWER:  B

⁹ But Onan knew that the child would not be his; so whenever he slept with his brother’s wife, he spilled his semen on the ground to keep from providing offspring for his brother.

For more Bible dramatizations please visit: BrickBible.com

PART 3:

In Genesis 38:6-10, when Onan refuses to try to get his dead brother's wife pregnant, god:

A:  puts him to death

B:  curses him with boils

C:  kills his first born

D:  kills Judah

 Either god is omnipresent or he had a black-light

ANSWER:  A

 ¹⁰ What he did was wicked in the Lord’s sight; so the Lord put him to death also.

Oh yahweh, you so crazy!

The reason that this story is so interesting is because its where Christanity got the idea that self love (wink wink) is a bad thing.  This is it.  This the only story.  And it doesn't even say anything on that particular topic.

And on the seventh day he rested...

That's right.  It doesn't say it will give you hairy palms or that you will go blind, but if your careless god may very well kill you for it.  Couldn't we simply insist people be a bit more courteous?

Bible Trivia: The Walking Dead

In Matthew 27:51, the moment that Jesus dies:

A:  there was an earthquake

B:  the dead rose from their tombs, walked into Jerusalem and said hello to passersby.

C:  the temple curtain ripped down the middle

D:  a rainbow appeared in the sky 

 Whoops sorry.  I was looking for Simba...

ANSWER:  A, B & C

⁵¹ At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. The earth shook, the rocks split ⁵² and the tombs broke open. The bodies of many holy people who had died were raised to life. ⁵³ They came out of the tombs after Jesus’ resurrection and^[e] went into the holy city and appeared to many people.

Amazing miracles. Some more impressive than others, I mean, you could do one of those miracles with a box cutter, but the other ones would take some serious work to pull off.  

 

 So there I was, taking a shower, minding my own business when...

 The other three Gospels don't mention the rising of the dead, which is peculiar.  If I was around at the time of the death of Jesus and came across someone looking like this:

...I would probably mention it to someone.  In fact, I would probably try to warn as many people as I could to watch the hell out.

The site blogs.christianpost.com has a very nice article about the other discrepancies in the resurrection accounts of Jesus, and while they reach a different conclusion than I do regarding their legitimacy, I thank them all the same for their work.

And no matter what you believe, Jesus can only really die one time, so the chances of another mass ressurection is extremely low.

 Probably...

Bible Trivia: I'll Sleep When I'm Dead

In Luke 9:57-62, when his disciple’s father dies, Jesus:

A:  tells him to forget about him

B:  tells him that he is in a better place

C:  tells him to bring him his body so he can resurrect him

D:  tells him that his fathers body must be baptized  

 Homie is cruising with Jesus now

 ANSWER:  A

⁵⁷ As they were walking along the road, a man said to him, “I will follow you wherever you go.”
⁵⁸ Jesus replied, “Foxes have dens and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.”
⁵⁹ He said to another man, “Follow me.”
But he replied, “Lord, first let me go and bury my father.”
⁶⁰ Jesus said to him, “Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God.”
⁶¹ Still another said, “I will follow you, Lord; but first let me go back and say goodbye to my family.”
⁶² Jesus replied, “No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.”

A rather calloused Jesus offers little in the way of love and inspiration here.  He tells one man to forget his family and another to abandon the body of his father.  Where did Jesus need to go so badly that he couldn't wait an hour?  Was the timer up on his meter?

Because Barbara Sue Manire's family has a solution!

 

Bible Trivia: Dude, What's Mine Say?

In Revelations 19:16, Jesus has "King of Kings and Lord of Lords written:

A:  on his thigh

B:  on his heart

C:  on his robe

D:  on his bottom 

Does anyone else hear Dio when you look at this picture?

ANSWER: A & C    

¹⁶ On his robe and on his thigh he has this name written: 

king of kings and lord of lords.

So Jesus had a tattoo...of sorts?  

 I just have to mention The Brick Testament here.

Bible Trivia: I Shoulda Gone to Morries

In 2nd Kings 2:23-24, a group of children call Elisha "baldy" and god:

A:  tells Elisha to continue his journey to Samaria

B:  tells Elisha's wife to stone them

C:  sends two bears to maul the children

D:  tells Elisha's wife to circumcise the children 

Donnie totally pulls this look off

 ANSWER:  C

²³ From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some boys came out of the town and jeered at him. “Get out of here, baldy!” they said. “Get out of here, baldy!” ²⁴ He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the Lord. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the boys.

Two bears killed forty two children?  Why didn't they just run away?  Perhaps they were some sort of super bears that were specifically built for maiming children with great efficiency.  But is god really spending his free time crafting ultra efficient killing machines?

Ok...maybe...
 

Bible Trivia: Bloody Hell

In 1st Samuel 5:1-9, the people of Ashdod took the Ark of the Covenant and upset god, so he:

A:  orders the people of Israel to recover it

B:  gives them hemorrhoids

C:  sends a great flood

D:  warns Dagon to return it

 I got mine off Craigslist

ANSWER:  B

5 After the Philistines had captured the ark of God, they took it from Ebenezer to Ashdod. ² Then they carried the ark into Dagon’s temple and set it beside Dagon. ³ When the people of Ashdod rose early the next day, there was Dagon, fallen on his face on the ground before the ark of the Lord! They took Dagon and put him back in his place. ⁴ But the following morning when they rose, there was Dagon, fallen on his face on the ground before the ark of the Lord! His head and hands had been broken off and were lying on the threshold; only his body remained. ⁵ That is why to this day neither the priests of Dagon nor any others who enter Dagon’s temple at Ashdod step on the threshold.

⁶ The Lord’s hand was heavy on the people of Ashdod and its vicinity; he brought devastation on them and afflicted them with tumors.^{[a] 7} When the people of Ashdod saw what was happening, they said, “The ark of the god of Israel must not stay here with us, because his hand is heavy on us and on Dagon our god.” ⁸ So they called together all the rulers of the Philistines and asked them, “What shall we do with the ark of the god of Israel?”
They answered, “Have the ark of the god of Israel moved to Gath.” So they moved the ark of the God of Israel.
⁹ But after they had moved it, the Lord’s hand was against that city, throwing it into a great panic. He afflicted the people of the city, both young and old, with an outbreak of tumors.^[b]
  
THE BREAKDOWN:

Well, that's what you get for praying to Aquaman!  

 mom...is...gonna...be...pissed

I'm not sure why they are described as "tumors" but the direct translation is "emerods."

From BibleGateway.com:
 
 2. Those that were not destroyed he smote with emerods (1 Sam. 5:6), in their secret parts (1 Sam. 5:9), 

Secret parts...oy vey!

It actually get's worse from there...

¹⁰ So they sent the ark of God to Ekron.
As the ark of God was entering Ekron, the people of Ekron cried out, “They have brought the ark of the god of Israel around to us to kill us and our people.” ¹¹ So they called together all the rulers of the Philistines and said, “Send the ark of the god of Israel away; let it go back to its own place, or it^[c] will kill us and our people.” For death had filled the city with panic; God’s hand was very heavy on it. ¹² Those who did not die were afflicted with tumors, and the outcry of the city went up to heaven.

Death filled the city and those who did not die were "afflicted" with such painful hemorrhoids that god literally could hear their cries of pain all the way in heaven.

I hope no one ever gets hemorrhoids.  I have a family member who has them and he described them like this:

 Don't forget to buy the soft stuff my friends!

Bible Trivia: TMI in the BIBLE

In Ezekiel 23:19-20, Oholibah recalls her time working as a prostitute in Egypt and it is revealed that she favored lovers who:

A:  were very tall and muscular

B:  had powerful orgasms

C:  were extremely virile

D:  were hung like donkeys 

I ain't sayin' she's a gold digger...

ANSWER:  B & D

¹⁹ Yet she became more and more promiscuous as she recalled the days of her youth, when she was a prostitute in Egypt. ²⁰ There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.

THE BREAKDOWN (giggity):

So, being curt here, its a bad thing to be a size queen.

get it?  GET IT?  I bet you get it...

There isn't really much else to discuss here.  Ladies, marry a man with a teeny weenie and you are in the clear.  Otherwise, that jumbo dog has the potential to bring hellfire.

 what a weird thing to be guilty of...

As for the... umm..."emissions" part, well, it's just gross.

But the good news is that if you are reading this you can now easily win a $50 bet with a friend when you bet him that the bible says that having an oversized genitals is a bad thing.