Bible Trivia: Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced

In Genesis 19: 30-35, Lot's daughter gets him very drunk so that she can sleep with him.  The next night: 

A:  Lot is cursed by god for committing immoral sex

B:  Lot banishes his daughter

C:  Lot gets drunk again and his other daughter sleeps with him

D:  Lot climbs the mountains of Araat and see a burning bush

 Shots shots shots shots shots Shots, everybody!

ANSWER:  C

³⁰ Lot and his two daughters left Zoar and settled in the mountains, for he was afraid to stay in Zoar. He and his two daughters lived in a cave. ³¹ One day the older daughter said to the younger, “Our father is old, and there is no man around here to give us children—as is the custom all over the earth. ³² Let’s get our father to drink wine and then sleep with him and preserve our family line through our father.”
³³ That night they got their father to drink wine, and the older daughter went in and slept with him. He was not aware of it when she lay down or when she got up.
³⁴ The next day the older daughter said to the younger, “Last night I slept with my father. Let’s get him to drink wine again tonight, and you go in and sleep with him so we can preserve our family line through our father.” ³⁵ So they got their father to drink wine that night also, and the younger daughter went in and slept with him. Again he was not aware of it when she lay down or when she got up.

Ok, how do you accidentally have incestual sex with your own daughters...two nights in a row?

Have you ever gotten so drunk that you had sex with a random stranger?  What do you do the next day?

 we've all been there...and if you haven't you're not trying.

Perhaps he realized what had happened with his daughter and thought, "Jeez, I really need a drink.  Hair of the dog that bit me and all that jazz."

fool him once, shame on me...

I think the biggest question that this story raises is...why is it in the bible?  Why was it important to know?  I suppose to preserve the historical content of the book, but to what purpose?  

Is this really less weird than the stories about Jesus taming dragons or when god gave Reuben syphilis?

 Best.  Day.  Ever.

Bible Trivia: Because I ain't no Hollaback Girl!

In 1st Timothy 5: 11-14, Paul the Apostle explains that young widows:

A:  are too horny

B:  are busybodies

C:  talk nonsense

D:  are often lazy

And they lived happily ever after...

 

ANSWER:  ALL OF THE ABOVE
 
¹¹ As for younger widows, do not put them on such a list. For when their sensual desires overcome their dedication to Christ, they want to marry. ¹² Thus they bring judgment on themselves, because they have broken their first pledge. ¹³ Besides, they get into the habit of being idle and going about from house to house. And not only do they become idlers, but also busybodies who talk nonsense, saying things they ought not to. ¹⁴ So I counsel younger widows to marry, to have children, to manage their homes and to give the enemy no opportunity for slander.

Jesus Paul, tell us how you really feel!  

 And then say, "woman, soup isn't dinner."

Apparently Jesus' number one fan has some pretty sexist views and he didn't hesitate to express them.  

It's particularly interesting that even back in the days when women were considered second class citizens, the concept of the annoying next door neighbor was a real one.  He encourages younger women to get pregnant and to keep themselves busy, even though by doing this he says that "they bring judgment on themselves."

 I said only one!  One!  Peni is not allowed!

Bible Trivia: Abstinence Only! Really!

In Deuteronomy 22:25-27, Moses says that if a man rapes a virgin who is pledged to be married, he must:

A:  pay her father 50 shekels

B:  marry her

C:  die

D:  become a slave to her father for seven years, with a lifetime option

Its weird to realize that thongs represent progress.  

Sexy sexy progress.

ANSWER:  C 

²⁵ But if out in the country a man happens to meet a young woman pledged to be married and rapes her, only the man who has done this shall die. ²⁶ Do nothing to the woman; she has committed no sin deserving death. This case is like that of someone who attacks and murders a neighbor, ²⁷ for the man found the young woman out in the country, and though the betrothed woman screamed, there was no one to rescue her.

The punishment for rape is death according to the bible.

Brian is damn lucky he didn't live 2000 years ago...

The good news is that this isn't a hard rule in the bible and rape isn't seen as universally wrong.  It's treated as something to be judged on a case by case basis.

Numbers 31:15-18

¹⁵ “Have you allowed all the women to live?” he asked them. ¹⁶ “They were the ones who followed Balaam’s advice and enticed the Israelites to be unfaithful to the Lord in the Peor incident, so that a plague struck the Lord’s people. ¹⁷ Now kill all the boys. And kill every woman who has slept with a man, ¹⁸ but save for yourselves every girl who has never slept with a man.

Who could have possibly said something so horrific?

Oh...

The Sausage of Faith!

I change my blog name after coming across this rather humorous clip of Sam Harris dissecting religious belief.  

I wanted to load it on my blog, but blogger tends to suck when letting me search videos to link from Youtube.  I have no explanation.

The full debate between Christopher Hitchens, Rabbi David Wolpe, Sam Harris, and Rabbi Bradley Artson Shavit is available though and it's a good one.

Bible Trivia: Jesus was a Lawyer

In Matthew 15:1-9, Jesus says that if a child doesn't honor their father and mother he or she should:

A:  be put to death

B:  be chided as with the local customs

C:  be brought before the head priests

D:  be banished

I said I want my juicebox and I WANT IT NOW!

ANSWER:  A

 Then some Pharisees and teachers of the law came to Jesus from Jerusalem and asked, ² “Why do your disciples break the tradition of the elders? They don’t wash their hands before they eat!”
³ Jesus replied, “And why do you break the command of God for the sake of your tradition? ⁴ For God said, ‘Honor your father and mother’^[a] and ‘Anyone who curses their father or mother is to be put to death.’^{[b] 5} But you say that if anyone declares that what might have been used to help their father or mother is ‘devoted to God,’ ⁶ they are not to ‘honor their father or mother’ with it. ⁷ You hypocrites! Isaiah was right when he prophesied about you:

⁸ “‘These people honor me with their lips,
    but their hearts are far from me.
⁹ They worship me in vain;
    their teachings are merely human rules.’^[c]”

In case you find the above passage cryptic, it's about Jesus dealing with criticisms from local holy men.  He wasn't cleaning his hands with the tradition and it upset the local elders.

Jesus comes back at them, pointing out that Pharisees are trying to put laws of humankind on the same level as the laws of god.  He calls their man made laws of making parents offer their children as devotions to the temple as hypocritical and a violation of the commandments.  The children are of no use to the parents, and therefor are not honoring their parents...thus breaking god's law.

The punishment for the children who have been shanghaied by man made laws into breaking this commandment?

STONING

I would love to tell you that this photograph of a child of Palestine was fake.  I cannot.

I try to keep this blog lighthearted.  But the disgusting nature of this law does not allow me to.  If this photograph makes your stomach turn over as much as it does mine, please just remember where this law comes from. 

 

Jesus defended himself from criticism from not washing his hands by creating a technicality and twisting the law in order to turn the it back against the Pharisees.  Effectively putting himself and ahead of the lives of a handful of innocent children. 

Bible Trivia: Samwell Says "What What"

In 2nd Chronicles 21: 12-19, when King Jehoram upset God because his reign threatened the house of David he:

A:  ordered David to attack Jehorams servants

B:  ordered the rains to stop and Jehoram's army withered

C:  cursed Jehoram and made his tongue fall out

D:  made Jehoram's bowels fall out

Yep, same David you are thinking of

ANSWER:  D

² Jehoram received a letter from Elijah the prophet, which said:

“This is what the Lord, the God of your father David, says: ‘You have not followed the ways of your father Jehoshaphat or of Asa king of Judah. ¹³ But you have followed the ways of the kings of Israel, and you have led Judah and the people of Jerusalem to prostitute themselves, just as the house of Ahab did. You have also murdered your own brothers, members of your own family, men who were better than you. ¹⁴ So now the Lord is about to strike your people, your sons, your wives and everything that is yours, with a heavy blow. ¹⁵ You yourself will be very ill with a lingering disease of the bowels, until the disease causes your bowels to come out.’”

¹⁶ The Lord aroused against Jehoram the hostility of the Philistines and of the Arabs who lived near the Cushites. ¹⁷ They attacked Judah, invaded it and carried off all the goods found in the king’s palace, together with his sons and wives. Not a son was left to him except Ahaziah,^[b] the youngest.

¹⁸ After all this, the Lord afflicted Jehoram with an incurable disease of the bowels. ¹⁹ In the course of time, at the end of the second year, his bowels came out because of the disease, and he died in great pain. His people made no funeral fire in his honor, as they had for his predecessors.

The technical term for it is "prolapsed bowels" its just just as horrifying as you would imagine.  I'm not sure why the Lord chose this method of smoting, but if he was trying to inspire fear I think he did an excellent job.

Well if any  book should have a cure...

 

Bible Trivia: Po-Po-Poker Face

In 1st Timothy 2: 11-15, Paul explains that women:

A:  should be submissive to men

B:  exist to make babies

C:  are at fault for Eve's deception

D:  should not teach

No Mrs. Gaga, that's not what the bible means by submissive

ANSWER:  ALL OF THE ABOVE


¹¹ A woman^[a] should learn in quietness and full submission. ¹² I do not permit a woman to teach or to assume authority over a man;^[b] she must be quiet. ¹³ For Adam was formed first, then Eve. ¹⁴ And Adam was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner. ¹⁵ But women^[c] will be saved through childbearing—if they continue in faith, love and holiness with propriety.

Well, let's call and spade a spade and just admit that Paul the Apostle is sexist here.  It's not a big deal in a historical context, the world was very different back in the time before soap, but when you consider the fact that the bible is considered a manual for morality and how to live...this is scary.

 Think of this as disgusting all you like...it doesn't make it untrue